It seems most bleak in the earliest morning; the darkness tries to settle into my soul just before the sun rises. Thankfully I never give in to it, that depth of despair. For like the sun, hope rises anew every morning. Shining, reflecting, providing a new day, a new perspective. Even if nothing has changed, somehow it is different and I can begin again. So rise again like the sun: gently, slowly, and then with splendour. You are valuable, you are loved, you are here. Face the day with your face towards the sun. Let it reflect off of you, let it warm your heart. Let it help grow the seeds that were planted deep in you in the beginning. Nourish them. Protect them. Feed them. Grow your hope. Grow your purpose. No matter what is happening to you. No matter what has come before, today is a new day. And new every morning is the Song of Love being sung over you.
Sometimes our dreams or plans blow away and scatter. Watching them go, especially before fruition, is how many felt this week when the intense windy snowstorm “attacked” and blew away the beautiful, colourful fall foliage. Not many complained about the cold or the snow; but the wind was upsetting. The reaction and results of the short-lived blast helped me comprehend what I’ve been feeling lately but couldn’t put into words or fully grasp. I’ve had to let go of some big dreams and lofty goals, not of my choosing or because I changed my mind, but because they were forced from my hand. My fist was pried open and I watched these ideals scatter and blow away. Like the storm this week, a blasting wind blew away some beautiful, colourful goals I had for myself. As the summer says goodbye I say farewell to these goals, without anger or suffering, because I realize now there was nothing of the Divine in my plans. I charged ahead. I wanted control. I thought I knew best. The “storm” blew these expectations away, stripped me bare like the trees’ branches. And stripped down, my life became peaceful and joyous and simple. And after all the turmoil of recent years, simple is welcome! My life is full of quiet mystery and love. I only suffer when chasing after things that aren’t meant for me. I am only angered when pushing myself too hard and being unable to keep up with others. But when I let these expectations go and ask for wisdom and leading, it comes. And with it joy and contentment and a new song. I will rest and recover and reflect through the dormant winter period and when my body is ready, turn over a new leaf. I can begin again and so can you. You can start over. Even if it is the tenth or eleventh time. After all, we live in a cycle like the trees. Our leaves bud, bloom, thrive, change, then let go, only for the cycle to repeat. It’s not the end. It’s not sad. It’s really another time to begin. After you grieve a disappointment (either a loss, a relapse, a heartache) reflect, rest, and recover, you can start anew with purpose. And, like me, you may find your purpose is to do less and live more quietly and to go totally against the current trend of “busy” and “crazy.” Go deep down to the roots when making plans and goals, don’t seek ideals externally. We only suffer when we desire, especially desiring things not suited for us at this time.
We took a short walk by the hoodoos this morning. Not my usual 5km but still I was able to enjoy my beloved badlands. A Lyme treatment lesson for me from the hoodoos occurred:
When a Lymie gets pregnant she may feel fear and guilt, mixed with joy and excitement. Lyme can be congenital which is cause for concern, and new life is miraculous which is cause for happiness. This mixture of emotions results from the somewhat unchartered territory of congenital Lyme, preventing transmission, and supporting a sick mom through pregnancy. Some Lymie moms can be exhausted and depleted and may suffer worsening symptoms. Others go into “remission” during pregnancy only to relapse hard after. I’ve read about and met women with various experiences. I’ve compared research by Lyme physicians in an attempt to better understand transmission. Although I need more time on this topic and am by no means an expert, what I did learn I will share here, as maybe a starting point for others who are interested. Essentially, like Lyme treatment itself, there is no set protocol or always successful plan for pregnancy.
Today I could wallow about lost muscle mass, flabby babesia weight, and pregnancy symptoms but that is not only useless, it is counterproductive. We must speak life over ourselves and marvel at how wonderous life is. I no longer feel betrayed by my body. In fact, I marvel at it. I honour it. I am grateful my body endured the trials of treatment and the stress of obstacles. I have even apologized to God for blaming my body as if it was poorly made and lacking value. Speak kindly of your body and value it highly. That’s how you will heal and make healthy choices. If you value and honour something you will take care of it.